(Essay)

A few days ago, Bharati and I were talking about couples who do not want to have children. We wondered why.

“Maybe they are afraid of the responsibility of raising children,” I said.

It is true. Raising children is an immensely difficult task. There is no one-size-fits-all solution on how one should go about doing it. I don’t profess to have an answer.

My mother gave birth to eight children. I don’t remember if she followed any regimen for feeding the babies or had a plan to manage their sleep routine. Children just grew up naturally. Of course, we had our grandmother living with us. She may have given advice based on her experience. I guess it was the norm in the years I was growing up in India.

All the theories of raising children were developed in the Western world. When Sachin and Sukanya were born Benjamin Spock, the famous pediatrician, was the authority on the subject of raising children. His book “The Common-Sense Book of  Baby and Children Care” was the bible on this subject. The following extract tells a bit about the content of this book.

“Central to Spock’s theories about child-rearing was the idea that parents needed to be more nurturing. In the era that he wrote, he directed his message almost exclusively at mothers and he encouraged women to be more responsive to the needs of their children. In contrast to the established approaches, he urged mothers to feed their babies when they became hungry, rather than adhering to a rigid meal schedule, and to pick them up, hold them, kiss them, and otherwise display affection when they cried. Spock also encouraged parents to place more trust in themselves and rely less on the established wisdom of experts (doctors included).”

We bought a copy. To the best of my knowledge, we did not religiously follow the advice from the book. Bharati talked with neighbors such as Ruth Greenberg, or Lilian Luftig who lived across the street from us in Commack, and discussed common problems and what to do. A topic of conversation was what to do when the baby starts crying at night. We vehemently opposed the idea of letting the baby cry.

“Just ignore it,” some would say. “The baby will be quiet in a day or two.”

Bharati’s main advisor was Dr. Schrieber our pediatrician. He was very gentle and gave sane advice.

“Mrs. Shenolikar,” he would say. “Babies cry for a reason. You should pay attention and figure out what’s going on?”  

Things have changed over the years like they always do. I see that modern mothers follow a lot of advice available online or via other new generally accepted sources. They have views on breastfeeding vs using baby formula and whether to use baby food available in bottles from Gerber and Beech-nut.

Sometimes for us, the new rules are not easy to understand, but we dare not say anything or voice an opinion for fear of upsetting the new mothers. It is a difficult time for the new mother as it is.

A few years from now new theories may emerge and the mothers of today may wonder why they change. Or whether the new way of raising the children is better than what they had followed.

Before you know it your baby would be attending pre-K, primary school, middle school, high school, and college. At each stage, there would be choices to be made both scholastically and socially. While it is a good idea to apply some amount of pressure on your child to perform well in studies I would not go as far as being a Tiger Dad or a Tiger Mom. If a child does not have an interest or aptitude for something, be it studies or sports, the parents just have to accommodate with an alternative approach.

On a social level, a common area of conflict is attending concerts or far away major sports events. In today’s Washington Post (November 9, 2023) I read an article on Parenting. A reader asked a question about whether a teenage daughter should be allowed to go to a Travis Scott concert. This is a singer whose concert had led to people being trampled to death a few years ago and whose music has indirect references to violence and other questionable traits. The answer from the advisor, Meghan Leahy, was that only the parent knows what is best for the child based on the child’s age, personality, and maturity. Ms. Leahy further states that as our children grow we must accept the reality that they are becoming independent and the necessity to teach them how to assess danger and risk, not completely avoid it.

So, to the question of what is the best advice to raise children, the answer is there is no one best advice. Every parent knows their children better than anybody else. They should practice whatever makes them feel comfortable and use the best source of knowledge available.

I always say that parenting never ends, even if your child is not a child anymore. How many times have parents remained awake at night when their adult son/daughter has gone out in their car until they hear the noise of the garage door opening? We parents will always worry whether they have reached home safely after a long journey, a trip overseas or when will they get better after a sickness.

Many times, what a parent does comes out of the natural feeling of the responsibility of being a parent. That innate desire to take care of a human being they have brought into this world is natural. No one needs to advise them about anything.